Relationships In The Philippines: Part 2

Part 2:  THE SINGLE LIFE – MEETING FILIPINAS ONLINE

In the first part of this series we took a look at marriage in the Philippines.  For this second installment we will be looking at the Single Life and dynamics in play when men intend to find themselves a loving, Filipina wife.. online.


You may have noticed my emphasis has been on that of men looking to find a Filipina wife rather than women in search of a Filipino husband.  The simple reason for that is statistics.  Far, far more men are willing to relocate or bring in and support a Filipina to their home country than women are to launch into another country in search of a husband.  I’m not being sexist, I’m just looking at and being of service to the majority dynamic in play.

The vast majority of men who first entertain the idea of dating, or perhaps eventually marrying, a Filipina will do so by venturing into the online world of sites devoted to this objective.  There are several such dating sites that cater specifically to matching Filipinas with foreign men but one in particular stands out.  They don’t need my mention, anyone who Google’s it will no doubt run across their site.  Let’s  go again with the idea of an American (we’ll call him ‘Sam’) who has come across such a site and is now going through a veritable treasure trove of young, beautiful, willing and loving Filipinas all vying for his sole attention.  Like a kid in a candy store.. the massive amount of choices can be truly overwhelming!

So.. there sits ‘Sam’ pouring over literally thousands of young women seeking not only dating for a serious relationship.. but marriage.  There is not much time wasted here.  The issue of marriage can and usually does come up during the first three e-mails.  Women in the Philippines are very, very interested in having a foreigner as a husband.  Now, before you get your ‘gold-digger’ label out let’s look at some of the factors in play.

The situation in the Philippines for women, when considering marrying a Filipino man, is largely two-fold.  One option is the man from the ‘province’.  Typically this is a man with little education who is accustomed to farm life and/or earning a very meager living on par with the poverty level.  Now, many people who live in the province have very happy lives despite their lack of luxury.  They are often taught to be strong patriarchs devoted to their wives and to be good fathers.  But many women want that and.. greater security or opportunity for their future children.  They have grown up in the province themselves and, weighing it all out, opt for the city life where there are jobs and other opportunities in regards to men.

This brings us to the ‘city-men’ of the Philippines.  There are some, a minority, who make a good living either in a strong profession such as a doctor, attorney or engineer.  Others make a fair living working for the government in some capacity as a trained professional.  However, with an unemployment rate over 50% many local men are scrambling to run whatever business they can to make ends meet.  That might be as a taxi-driver, running a sari-sari store, working a bar, as a grocery clerk, waiter or if they are lucky.. as an employee at one of the many upscale resorts nearby.

Now, some things in regards to women are the same all over.  And I believe one of them is that women seek a mate who can provide stability, either emotionally or financially.. preferably both.  Secondary consideration goes to his looks, his age or his nationality.  But if a man can provide for her financial needs or give her the love she desires.. that man goes to the top of the list.

And so it is no wonder that when you pair up a massive supply of beautiful, young Filipinas living in a tropical atmosphere that attracts retired foreigners who have a steady pension in search of fresh romance.. it is inevitable the two shall meet.  Given the current economy here in the Philippines even a modest pension and social security stipend totaling $2,000 per month is a LOT of money to any local Filipina.  I, for one, do not blame them for their attraction to older, retired foreign men.  They not only have financial stability they often (though not always) have life experience and maturity that these young women find just as attractive.  Also consider that while many men from the province have never been away from the Philippines or had opportunity for an extended education, the Foreigner often brings with him a broad education of worldly events that many Filipinas find interesting and attractive as well.  In response, a retired single/divorced/widowed man who is suddenly the center of life for a beautiful young woman is almost impossible to resist.

AND SO IT BEGINS..

So here is what typically happens in this online scenario.  Sam decides to contact three or four of these women because usually when contacting American women he might get zero response on all four.  But not in this case.  Almost assuredly he will hear from all four and each will want to be assured that he is only focused on them.  There is not much time lost on pretext here.  While Filipinas are very modest and conservative in person, when it comes to the beginnings of romance they often lay out all the cards on the table when online.  And so it all begins.  The introduction message.  The long emails.  Then the live chats and Skype sessions despite the time-zones.  Before the month is over the question is being asked from the Filipina, “When do you think you will be able to visit me and my country?

Now.. here is where we pause for a moment for an important safety announcement.  Men:  LISTEN TO THIS.  Do not proceed to begin chatting online with lovely Filipinas until you have read this first.

“Some (some) of the women you will meet online have ZERO intention of getting married, or meeting you.. ever.”

You are going to have to take everything you hear online with a grain of salt and proceed SLOWLY and WITH CAUTION when dealing with women online.  That goes for any online dating scenario, but most especially in this Foreigner-Filipina scenario discussed here.  Depending on who you talk to (and how badly they were burnt) the estimated guesses as to how many of these online women are “scammers” runs anywhere from 10% to 70%.  Some of these women will quickly begin to imply they are in need of money and hope that you.. the rich, generous, compassionate foreigner, won’t mind helping them out with some dinero sent over Western Union.  The stories are usually the same.  One is that someone close to her is sick and needs immediate hospital care or medicine.  It might be a younger sister, their mother, themselves.. but once you’ve shown interest suddenly you’re the ONLY person they know who can help them out.  Lots of guys fall for it.  Every day.  Once that money  gets picked up via Western Union, it’s gone.  No refunds, thanks for playing.

Some of these ‘scammer’ women live VERY comfortably on the hundreds and thousands of dollars they get from a dozen or so different gullible men all sending them money for one reason or another.  Don’t become a statistic.   I’m all for supporting a woman I love and that I am in a relationship with.  That is the loving thing to do.  But we’re talking about a woman you’ve only known for 2 weeks (or less) via chat and Skype.  You have to keep reminding your heart to keep things in perspective.

And the kicker.. some of these profiles are not even real women.  I’m not talking about the transgendered folk.  I’m talking about some MAN from either Nigeria or the Ukraine who gathered up some other Filipina’s batch of photos to make a fake profile.  And, of course, just NEVER seems able to figure out her webcam to speak with you directly except for in text.  That should be your first clue on that scam.

So, be aware when looking for love online.

Now, all that being said, there are still thousands of actual loving, young, beautiful women who are LEGIT.  They are the real deal and their cultural upbringing has ingrained into them that if/when they ever marry.. they will whole-heartedly love their husband with a devotion you’ve never encountered before.  They will truly respect, love and cherish you to your dying day.  Filipinas may have a reputation for being a bit on the jealous side, but it is a by-product of the fact that they are often referred to as ‘tigers’ in their passion and protection of their marital vows to their husband.  Setting aside the scammers for a moment, the real-deal Filipina is known world-wide as an incredibly loving wife more devoted than any man could ever ask or hope for.

As I said before there are no hard numbers on these ratios of scammers to the real deal, you’ll have to just proceed with some good sense about you and not make any big commitments or promises rashly.  There are some Filipinas, not many but they’re out there, who really are just ‘gold-diggers’ with dollar-signs lighting up their eyes.  To me, separating the real-deal from the counterfeit is a very simple process.  It’s called, TIME.

A woman who is on a fast-track in search of long-distance money is tossing up the first red-flag.  Women know that most men practically drop their brain out of their head during the initial ‘honeymoon’ phase of dating and getting acquainted.  A scammer will want to rush him into commitments quickly during this period.  She is striking at your most vulnerable window of opportunity.  However, a woman who is truly looking for real love has no problem with taking six months or a year to get to know each other.. so long as she is the ONLY  woman you are interested in.

Remember, here jealousy is equal to passionate protection of what a woman feels is ‘hers’.  She will not stand idly by as some other woman ‘takes’ her man.  Nor will she waste time with you if you are still courting other women.  In Western thinking there is nothing wrong at all with ‘dating other people’ while figuring out who we intend to ‘be serious’ with.  When dealing with a Filipina you just have to drop that concept.  It’s a difficult balance to play since you don’t know right away which Filipina out of the dozens you save to your favorites is the one you want to focus on.  You’ll just have to do your best to juggle that task.  But If you do get to the point that you want to focus on one, specific Filipina expect that she will want some sense of online fidelity before she takes you seriously.

As for the ‘scammer’ women, they will fall by the way-side in search of easier prey if you take your time and do not cave in to their rushed expectations for money from someone they hardly know.

FLYING OUT TO SEE HER..

Chances are that unless you are practically living just outside of the Philippines, taking a flight across the Pacific to meet a woman means things have moved along to a somewhat serious level for you to be planning a flight to see her.  Hopefully by the time you decide to make this trip you’ve spent (in my opinion) at least six months with lots of ‘face to face’ Skype-time together.  If I have one absolute caveat to share with you it is this:  NEVER spend the time, money or effort to fly out to see a woman you have not spoken with via online web-cam.  Without that there is zero assurance that you’ve even been speaking with a real woman.  They may claim they are not that computer literate or whatever.  But if she’s online chances are so are her friends and any one of them in six months could have helped her set up a web-cam.  It’s a $15 item in the Philippines and requires minor set-up.

When you arrive expect a few things to occur if things are on the legit.  When you first meet her chances are very good that you will not be meeting with her alone.  This is not like dating in the US, Australia or Canada where women are liberated and secure about just meeting up with a stranger alone.  Do not be surprised or offset if you leave your hotel to meet her at a local mall and she has perhaps two other female friends or relatives with her.  It does not mean she doesn’t want to be alone with YOU.  It’s not about you.  It’s about several other things occurring.  One being that her family has expressed concern that she take precautions to be safe.  They don’t know you and for all they know you intend to do her harm.  So, they strongly suggested (or even insisted) that she take along her sister or niece.

Another reason she will bring along some female friends is that she is very excited about meeting you and has been doubtless talking about you to her closest friends.  She wants them to meet you as well so as to get their opinions (afterward) regarding you.  So, take it in stride and be a gentleman.  After all, this is possibly the woman you will marry and not just some quick hook-up.  She’s worth exercising some patience for.  Finally, it’s something of a cultural thing that is loosely defined as ‘sharing’.  What might just be some casual conversation over fast-food is something of a big deal for her friends who usually can’t afford to do so very often.  So, your prospective Filipina love interest wants to ‘share’ that experience with her closest friends and invites them along.  While we’re at it, forget about the other Western idea of, “Let’s have lunch and go halves on the bill.”  No, that’s not going to fly here.  For one, she’s most likely on a very tight budget.  For another, again.. be a gentleman and expect to pick up the tab for her and her friends.

AND THEN THINGS GET SERIOUS

After the initial meet with her friends and some follow-up phone conversations, if all is still going well and neither of you are getting cold feet, it goes to the next level during your visit.  Chances are you are only booked to be visiting for two to three weeks of stay.  You’re on a time-table and so time is precious.  You may find yourself still taking her out a few times, with a friend in tow, or she may feel secure enough to meet with you alone.  But this is all going in one direction and it’s not the bedroom.. it’s rather towards visiting her Parents.  You know things are going well if/when she suggests you come to meet with her family.  And by family do not be surprised if you find yourselves meeting not only her parents, but concerned uncles and aunts as well at a dinner in her family’s home.  You need to be especially gracious and kind during this important meeting.  Don’t be fake, but be the best version of yourself.  Remember your manners.  The Philippines is a very courteous country and being gracious will be your salvation.  Be sure to properly find an introduction to her parents and be attentive and ‘in the moment’ as you meet her various other relatives and friends.  Express true compliments regarding the food they have taken the time and expense to prepare for your arrival.  In most all cases you will find that Filipino families are a very generous and hospitable people.

Depending on her background do not be surprised if you find yourself on a Jeepney for the day to take a sweaty, bumpy ride out into the province (ie; jungle area) at the outskirts of town to a very, very modest home.  Just be gracious and remember that she is sharing with you her life, something very precious and dear to her.  She has put her reputation ‘out there’ with her family to bring you in to her world, her close world of people who mean a lot to her.

So, again, be gracious and understand the moment you are in.  If your thoughts were to call her from your hotel room upon arrival, have some dinner with her alone and then roll in the sheets back at your place your first night in town.. you haven’t picked up on the cultural differences at work here.  That might fly back home, but the Philippine culture is very family oriented and thus the dating process is a bit different from what you may be used to in your home country.

Once you’ve been through this process, barring any bizarre catastrophes, you can now say you’ve begun the real meat of your relationship with this Filipina you’ve come to consider for a long-term relationship.  From here on out it’s much what you’d expect, getting to spend some time alone eventually (depending on how strict her parents might be).  She may be 22 years old, but family opinion and reputation mean a lot to a decent woman here.  ‘Chisme’ (gossip) spreads fast and ruthlessly here in the Philippines and a woman’s greatest asset, aside from her beauty and grace, is her reputation.  So be prepared that she may want to take things a little slower for appearance’s sake, not out of any lack of interest in you.

Send Your Filipina Gifts Safely Securely
ONCE THE RELATIONSHIP IS ‘ON’..

Hopefully all goes well and you find yourself in love with this wonderful woman you’ve taken time to get to know.  You’ve met her parents, family and closest friends.  You’ve found the ‘real deal’ and are ready to commit to an ‘exclusive relationship’.  Not necessarily marriage before catching your flight home, but you know enough that you can honestly tell this woman that she, and she alone, is the woman you want to build a continued, exclusive relationship with.

This demands we return to the jealousy issue and a few words of advice.  It doesn’t matter if you’re in your first year dating or celebrating your 30th anniversary together.. your Filipina girlfriend/wife is a jealous woman.  From her mind and background, being jealous is her way of ‘protecting what is hers’.  In the US, jealousy usually boils down to either a lack of trust or insecurity.  Here it is a cultural phenomenon.  In the Filipina’s eyes you are everything to her and every other pretty girl out there is looking to take you away from her.  You may not have even the slightest history of being a “lady’s man” and yet this is how she perceives your desirability to other women.  An available, male foreigner is a valuable commodity in the eyes of a Filipina woman so, in some respect, her concerns are somewhat valid.  There are less scrupulous Filipinas who will proposition married men, desiring to be their mistress in exchange for a monthly stipend toward their rent or other expenses.

Some women want “only the soup and not the meat” when it comes to having an affair with a married foreigner.  Being a mistress in the Philippines does not entirely have the stigma attached to it that it does in the States.  In the States a woman who has an affair with a married man, waiting for him to leave his wife, is considered a foolish woman.  But here, a woman who has tossed aside any conventional concern for her reputation in society sees being a mistress as a beneficial and independent financial move.  Add to that what I believe is the conception all women have the world over that all men are suckers for a pretty face and some sweet talk.. and you can begin to understand why the Filipina in love is vigilant to not only be the best wife she can be.. but to ‘throw down’ and get serious if someone else invades your relationship with her.

One thing that helps to keep things on an even keel is daily reassurance.  If you love her, tell her.  Remind her.  Five times a day, every day.  Speak to her of what she means to you.  Imagine your life losing her and convey your love for her regularly.  Another key thing is to respect her.  Sadly, the Philippines with it’s lack of divorce has resulted in something of a misogynistic, ungrateful attitude by many husbands towards their wife.  Which means you can stand out head and shoulders above the crowd by actually respecting the woman you love.  When you are in town with her, don’t flirt with other women.  I know that should be a no-brainer in any country but you’d be surprised the attitude some men here take with their devoted wives.  I suppose, just like extreme wealth, some men cannot handle an abundance of love without it going to their head.  Suddenly they feel invincible and attractive to every woman within range.  But what they have failed to remember is that the very reason they even feel so confident is because their first-love, their Filipina wife, has given so much of herself into their relationship.

So, the basics go a long way.  Tell her you love her, consistently and with sincerity.  Respect her as a person.  Ask for her advice or input on decisions you plan to make.  Ask for her help rather than being the ‘savior’ who fixes every possible problem.  Work as a team together.  Respect her in front of others as well as in private. Do these things and in any country with any woman you will reap the benefits in return multi-fold.

I wish you the very best in your desire to find a solid relationship with a Filipina here.  Take your time.  Love is here to be found, just walk with your eyes wide open and alert to the cultural differences and you’ll be fine.

For those looking for something much more superficial, that can be found in Angeles City, Philippines, with women who are more interested in ‘quantity of cash’ rather than ‘quality over time’.  But that is another topic for another day.  In the meanwhile I hope you find these insights helpful in your adventure seeking the Filipina love of your life.

Click here to read; Part 3 – Age Differences In Philipine Relationships

Henry V.
www.lifebeyondthesea.com



Author: Reekay

After 49 years living in Southern California, USA, I decided to move to the Philippines despite never having been here before. In July, 2012, I took a leap of faith and transplanted myself to the amazing Philippines. I am a single man taking an honest look at all that the islands here have to offer, one day at a time. I hope you find my LBTSea site informative, entertaining and hopefully a bit of each. 🙂 Be sure to visit the Forum and other parts of what the site has to offer. Browse around and be sure to sign up for updates via email. Enjoy!
— Reekay

35 comments

  1. My question is : Why go through all that trouble? seems like a lot of hoops to jump through… plus who wants to take care of all of the girl's family members? – Anna

    1. My thoughts are that, in any country, men often jump through hoops of one sort or another when courting a woman. 🙂 In the US we're a lot more autonomous.. dating is pretty much between just the two people and the parents don't end up in the picture practically until an engagement is announced. : / I remember dating a woman for six months and not a single family member even knew we were dating. (that turned out to be a red-flag, we later broke up.)

      As for getting sucked into taking care of her family members, I'll be covering that in great detail in Part 3 of this series.

      Love.. makes us men travel to the ends of the earth. Well, some men anyway. ha!

    2. My thoughts are that, in any country, men often jump through hoops of one sort or another when courting a woman. 🙂 In the US we're a lot more autonomous.. dating is pretty much between just the two people and the parents don't end up in the picture practically until an engagement is announced. : /

      As for getting sucked into taking care of her family members, I'll be covering that in great detail in Part 3 of this series.

      Love.. makes us men travel to the ends of the earth. Well, some men anyway. ha!

  2. Thanks for the great article Henry. Maybe in future you can explain tactfully to the naysayers or doubters the the hoops we jump through or loving family we help is more than compensated by the true, eternal and absolute love we receive and give in our Fil-Am relationships.

    1. I plan to cover that in more detail in the next segment. But to cut to the chase, growing up in a country where some families only get together either at weddings or funerals.. it’s a stretch perhaps for them to imagine a country where family is so tied into daily life. And yes, that sometimes means ‘being there’ when they are in need of financial help. That’s never going to change here, so my goal is to at least let men know what they are signing up for so they are up to the challenge when the time comes. Life in the Philippines, for me, has so far been wonderful and I plan to stay. But I will say at the same time that it’s not for everyone.

  3. Great Article Henry it gives faith to those seeking or are in a relationship with someone
    from the Philippines and shows that there still are people who believe in morals, love and trust
    and a respect for family. Money is important but love is stronger then money!!!

    1. But you have to first have get a woman in the philippines and thats not easy,
      ayalla mall may have young students and korean ladies but getting them is another thing,
      i know many men that go there thinking the women are going to jump out at them but it does not happen,
      im 67 an ex rock guitarist from london , im a very fit and white but even i had problems trying to attract the women there,
      Dateinasia.com which is a website for meeting filipinos was the closest i came to meeting someone, and then i was asked for cellphones and help with daily living costs,
      so goodluck to all you lucky men in cebu and dumaguete, because i must be ugly hehehe
      jeffrey from london

      1. Meeting women in the PH, whether it be at the grocery store, a park bench, anywhere really has consistently been very easy for most guys who come here. I must have dated at least 20 Filipinas my first 6 months and I really wasn’t even trying. And not ‘scammer’ types like those online, but decent working women in town just going about their business of life. Looking for a relationship online, to me, is a futile exercise. The vast majority are not sincere. I’d say only 5% or so are truly looking for a good relationship. In the USA I could go months without a date. In the PH, I could literally go to any town and line up a date in less than an hour.

      2. J A: I agree. I know this is an old thread. Seen the malls and other places crawling with sex-starved foreigners almost making it an embarrassment to all foreigners with their PUA tactics. While some say it’s easy, I found that I get no “signals” of attraction, even when I just out of University. I find no instinctual passion signals. Thus, it’s all about being a “provider man”. And, if I do find an “interested” babae, it’s just as a meal ticket for her and her family. So, what’s the difference between that and a bar-girl (other than the length of repayments)? I don’t pretending to want babies and marriage, which I strongly believe many foreigners fake with Filipinas to get a relationship for the elusive “intermediate-term” while she has limerence. As we all know, most women loose passion for any man in only a few years, especially if she has kids. The guys who talk about the “rock star” effect, I think are talking about buying bar-girls. I know very few foreigners who have a live-in Filipina lover who is young and hot, no kids, contraception, and more. I tried hard to find that while being honest about my intentions. But, this has failed. I find Filipinas constantly trying to put me the “provider box” and seeking a marriage visa from a typical white-knight mangina I’m not. If you’re some traditional, religious, family type, a saprophytic Filipina should be easy to get. Not my cup of tea.

  4. Hey Henry, so true. I met my fiance on that website and we skyped for 6 months before I got on a plane to see her. She met me at the airport with her sister in tow and then later in the evening after she allowed me to rest after the flight i went to her home and met her family. To my surprise, they had a “Welcome Steve” banner hung in the house and a spread of food enough to feed an army. She is a nurse and worked as as OFW in Duabi for 10 years. She is the sweetest and most sincere lady I have ever known and still after 14 months of skyping & YMing every day the bond just gets stronger. After I finish converting to catholicism (which her mom ask me to do) I’ll be buying my one way ticket to Paradise. I can’t say enough about the ladies in the Philippines, they put our California girls to shame (I grew up in OC). Best wishes to you. Steve

    1. That is awesome! So happy for the both of you. The difference in culture is one I try to convey as clear as possible, but it’s real life stories like your’s that give it a whole new layer of dimension. Best wishes for you and your bride to be! 🙂

  5. I can't inmagine true love with so much financial dealings in between. A woman willing to be purchased is more than willing to sell, that in itself takes love to a less than a simple overlooked necesity. I respect a man willing to purchase, and a woman's priority to sell herself, but I don't like the mirage of dressing it as anything less than a simple financial transaction of a woman's temporary affections….otherwise called prostitution. That is my humble opinion…..

    1. Lenny Bruce said pretty much the same thing. There’s no denying that the desire/need for security.. whether it be a steady supply of good sex or money, is a motivating factor in just about any relationship.. on any continent. But me, well.. you know me, I’m still a hopeless romantic who believes two people will want to care for each other in a mutual manner.. without money or sex being the primary motivation. Money and sex are very important.. but should never be the prime reason for a committed relationship or marriage. At least, that’s the way I see it.

      If the sex is great or one partner ‘marries up’ in the process of true love.. well, to me that’s just the cherry on top. 🙂

  6. I enjoy your attitude and insight when reading your articles. I grew up on a dairy farm in a very conservative family in upstate N.Y. So, much of the Filipino culture comes naturally to me. I really enjoy your family valves, and the fact your also a hopeless romantic also… for sure looking forward to reading more of your articles!

  7. G’day “Reekay”

    have been perusing your website as I joined one of the online dating sites and although I am well aware of scammers (have been hit up by 2 already, Ghana scammers) but have a dilemma right now. I have talked and chatted with this Filipino woman and after only 2 days that has set my alarm bells ringing is that she has stated that she loves me. Now, my question is, do Filipino normally come out with their feelings that quick, or should I listen to the alarm bells?

    Let me expand on that, that is the only early warning mention that has come up, apart from that she seems ‘normal’ hoping that I will come and meet her family and show me where she lives. And she initiated contact by warning me of scammers, this was 3 days before her love committal.

    Cheers

    1. Well, a couple of things. As I’ve mentioned before, conversing with Filipinas ahead of time ‘can’ be a great way to meet some of the ‘good girl’ Filipinas, but even then you’re setting yourself up to only see that one girl if/when you make a trip here. By the time you plan a trip here she will have the expectation you are not going to even speak with any other Filipina so, that drastically cuts down your dating options. Trying to date around once you’re here while seeing her usually ends in disaster because one way or another the gossip line here will rat you out.

      That being said, yes.. on the one hand it is very common for girls here to say, “I love you” within the first week. Other phrases that come up quickly are, “I will live with you.”, “I will wait for you.” and “I will only have you for my boyfriend.” Part of this is cultural and part of it is the intense desire/motivation here to kinda ‘lock-down’ ownership.. move quickly into a relationship so that you are “hers”. It’s the opposite of Western dating where we spend a few months getting to know each other. Here, they pretty much skip over the dating period and go right into the “relationship/commitment” phase right after establishing a conversation for 10 days or less. I know, it’s insane.. but when they are dating Foriegners, stakes are high and they waste no time. When they are dating Flipino men.. suddenly they’re in no hurry and those guys have to court them, meet the parents, prove they have a job, yadda-yadda. But remember, to them.. catching the attention of a Foreigner is equivalent to hitting the Lotto or meeting a celebrity by our standards.

      So I’m not surprised she’s putting “i love you” on the table so quickly. In her mind, she’ll learn to love you, over time.. after the marriage. If you asked her to marry you in two weeks, I guarantee you she’d say, “Yes” and not even hesitate. That is what you’re dealing with.

      Is she a scammer? Maybe, maybe not. Assuming she’s not, she’s a young woman with little life experience, has never really been ‘in love’, doesn’t really understand what a long-term relationship is and, let’s face it.. is hoping to ‘marry-up’. As for me, call me old-fashioned but my longstanding advice if you’re looking for a real relationship is.. move here, settle in and get to know a woman for 6-9 months before making any marital decisions.

      Now, if all you want is a ‘girlfriend’ who lives far away and informs you of the financial hardships she WILL encounter, looking to you for help.. then stay in touch with her. Here, the culture and necessity don’t have much use for the whole “getting to know each other first” phase of a deep relationship. There are success stories, granted. But it’s more blind luck when two decent-hearted people cross paths and were a good match from start. But way too often, the girl is already sold on the idea of getting married whether it was to you, or some other Foreigner, who answered her online personals ad.

      My advice, take a few steps back with her.. tell her you will be entertaining conversation with several other Filipinas until you make a visit there and let the chips fall where they will. Most likely she’ll figure she can’t compete with some other Filipina who is even more clever or prettier than her and she will lose interest right away. That’s fine though. You want to keep your options open because the supply of wonderful, good-hearted Filipinas here is abundant and chatting with just one online from thousands of miles away will only limit your options.

      1. Thanks for the quick reply, appreciate your taking time out of your busy schedule of having the time of your life :o)

        I guess I really did not make myself to clear in my initial post/question. I did go to the site to find that “one-in-a-million” who I would be honoured to spend the rest of my life with and as stated she initiated contact by not asking anything of me or saying what she was after, but warning me of scammers on said dating site.

        Now I found this not only reassuring, but cute, that someone who was putting themselves out there was warning of potential scams. So, to not to be rude I replied thanking her for ‘heads-up’ about the site, and one thing lead to another and we started ‘chatting’ by site messages.

        After much too’ing and fro’ing she asked if I had Skype as she would like to see me in person (so to speak) and after setting it up (never had it before and only use other voice msg programs) we made contact. Yes, being truthful I was bedazzled by her looks and charm and we talked idly about nothing really, just chatting (barring the language barrier, her English is okay but broken, and being an Aussie we tend to talk a mile a minute, so had to make a conscious effort to slow down as I could tell that she was not understanding most of what I was saying).

        After about 3 hours on Skype, talking about anything and everything (and getting a gazillion and six photos from her, ranging from pictures of her to her family and friends), is when she ‘confessed’ her feelings for me. That is what set my alarm bells off as I was not aware of just how quickly Filipina will admit their love to you.

        Having read your reply above, I can now well understand the ‘motives’ (for lack of a better word) behind her ‘admission’ and have taken a step backward (tyring to let my head instead of my feelings take lead). Was I flattered, absolutely, no denying it, but just the ‘quickness’ of the love admission set me back on my heels and made me take stock of where this had come from and where it was possibly leading to, ie; either the ‘real thing’ or just an elaborate scam.

        I explained that it was sudden and out-of-the-blue for me to be told by a woman whom I hardly know that she loves me and tried to explain this without hurting her feelings in the process. And fingers-crossed, I conveyed my meanings and explanations across to her without making her feel uncomfortable/unwanted/ashamed (pick a word…..).

        TL;DR, short version below…… so sue me…. :PP

        Blah, seem to be rambling on a bit, will try to cut to the chase. As stated, warning bells, went off, however they were mitigated by her initial contact of the warning about scams, her near insistence that we Skype, the invitation to met her family and show me were she grew up (and did I mention the gazillion and 6 photos?).

        Whilst be on the dating (hunting???) site, I came across your website and started doing research and came across your article about scams and took note of the advice offered, hence my meaningless rambling on.

        I guess my question is this, out of one ‘alarm bell’ (con: quick love admission) could I be reasonably optimistic that this is a ‘real’ admission as it was mitigated by the ‘good’ things (pro’s: getting on Skype, invites to meet family and see her home, and the plethora of photos) that I did not see mentioned as possible warning bells?

        Thanks much for your time and help and a happy ‘Living The Dream’.

        Cheers

        1. Well, to put it all in context.. the best thing you can keep in mind is that everything spoken on-line cannot be verified. Maybe she’s telling the truth. Maybe not. Even with video, from 1,000’s of miles away you don’t know if she logs off and then makes dinner for her husband and family. Or logs in with another foreigner ten minutes later. There is simply no way to know, one way or the other. Which is why I always say, the ‘real’ relationship begins when you’re living here, spending time with her in real-life, not online.

          So, from what you say.. she hasn’t been asking for money so.. that’s a plus. It’s okay to be optimistic, just keep a check on your heart because it’s way too easy to hide things online from so far away. Some guys do find the woman of their dreams online. Most have at least a few horror stories to tell before they got to that point though. Just take the whole online experience with a grain of salt. 🙂

          1. Thanks for the advice, yeah, trying to let the brain overrule the heart and at this stage it’s a winning battle.

            Have made a list of ‘warning bells’ which I can check off as they come up, so far nothing to tick off…… touch wood, but the again it only has been less than a week

            I absolutely agree that long distance relationships are very, very hard, as that is how my last marriage dissolved (luckily no ill-will between us) and also agree/believe your point about meeting face-to-face and she is like minded about this.

            Again, thanks much for the reply and advice, appreciate it.

            Cheers

          2. I Web cam a girl in manila but can’t get her address..so I’m not sure if she married. …I offered to visit her home but she refused me..wants to meet me in manila

            1. A Manila city-girl who doesn’t want you to meet her parents. Red-flag time.
              Take this in stages. If you want to meet her in town, have some fun and NOT give her any huge amounts of money, then fine.. enjoy the ride. But do not invest yourself emotionally or financially in this young woman. Much too early for that.

  8. Henry,

    As always you articles are informative and well written. This site is a great service and I check your site at least 3 times a week. I have noticed that on the subject of dating you give a lot of very useful advice in regards to finding a filipina wife. That’s all well and good but what about all of us guys who don’t intend to marry… ever. I’m planning my retirement and my primary reason (other than the weather and the more affordable cost of living) is for freedom. I’ve been married before and am now happilly divorced. In my experiance, marriage is the antithisis of freedom.

    Could you do another part to your “Relationships in the Philippines” series that deals with foriegners who just want to date casually and “hook up”?

    There are a lot of good hearted, honest, good natured gentlemen out there who are just in the Philippines to enjoy the culture, make friends and enjoy thier freedom.

    Many of these guys who retire to the Philippines have questions like:

    How do you meet a girl you like and date her casually without her bringing up the whole “marriage”, “commitment” and “meet the family stuff” after you have only been dating for less than 2 weeks?

    How you deal with gossip and jealousy and attempts to lock you down and claim “ownership” over you?

    In the Philippines, at what point does a girl go from being a live in girlfriend to being a commonlaw wife?

    Personally, I find the typical conservative “good girl” thing trite and boring but i’m not interested in having my dating life confinded to Angeles City mercinary style girls who are only seeing dollar signs either.

    True love and intimacy, marriage, and spending your life with someone and sharing everything with the girl of your dreams and her family is good for some people but what about guys who just want to be free, have fun, stay independent, date and hook up who aren’t looking for a soul mate or a “till death do us part” type situation?

    Do you have any advice for guys who are conciderate and respectful who are looking for freedom, girlfriends and hookups but not wives or soulmates?

    1. I’ve actually had this on my mind quite a bit lately. I’ll try to set aside some time for another installment that focuses more on the Bachelor Life here. In fact, even for the guys intending to get married, my advice is, “Spend your first year here Single, not committed to anyone.” A man can’t really appreciate the wide spectrum of women available here if he’s out to get married soon as he lands here. If anywhere, the Philippines is THE place to be a single man.

      1. Absolutely!

        Thanks for taking the time and for all that you do to help people in their individual journeys. It may not seem like much, but i’m willing to bet that the information on your site was a huge help to many many people in the past year. You’re living the dream, Reekay. I travel internationally quite a bit for work and whenever I can for leisure (time and budget permitting) and one thing i’ve learned about myself time and time again is that, if i were to use cars as a metaphor: I’m definitely the kind of guy who would rather Lease a brand new, sleek, current model Ferrari and trade it out every so often than to buy a nice sensible, dependable, Prius and keep up with the payments and maintenance schedule forever (so to speak). Besides, a Prius may be more reliable and practical and the Ferarri may be aweful on gas mileage, but the Ferarri is 10 times more fun to drive and no one goes “wow” when you drive down the street in a Prius, hehe.

        I’m planning on moving overseas permanently as soon as all my ducks are in a row too. Insights from someone like you who has already done it is really a great help to those of us who hope to do the same. When I read your articles one thing comes through. You are free. You made it out of the rat-race and you live your life on your own terms. You answer to no one. No one can really give you a curfew, you don’t have to discuss purchasing decisions with anyone, you come and go as you please and you keep the company of anyone who is pleasant to be around for as long as they are pleasant to be around. You are an adventurer who is free to roam wherever your heart takes you. You can sleep all day and stay up all night and there is no one there to second guess you. Freedom: it’s so simple that it’s beautiful. I admire and appreciate you. Thank for sharing with us your journey on the road less travelled.

        1. Thanks for the well-worded kudos and encouragement. I do enjoy my life, and my freedom here. I try to give the information that I had a hard time finding when I was online researching for my own trip prior to getting here. I wanted practical, real-life, day-to-day information. I already knew about the great beaches and generally less expensive lifestyle. What I wanted to know was how to survive here, how to enjoy life here, what mindset to have, what kind of stuff to be aware of (good and bad).. and now that I’m here I enjoy pointing out anything useful. Still so much more exploring to do. 🙂

  9. "Do these things and in any country with any woman you will reap the benefits in return multi-fold." – except the US, which is why so many of us are turning to east and southeast Asia…

  10. Hahaha, the jealous thing really is true 🙂
    I’ve tried explaining a lot to my Filipina girlfriend (and very much likely future wife) that me having female friends doesn’t mean that i’m in any romantic relationship with them at all. Gladly I don’t have to mention that a lot anymore after 2 and a half years, haha
    One thing that I still need to get used to is that she asks me permission for many things… Like going out or drink with friends… She knows I’ll say yes, but she always asks anyway.
    Now I just wish our Dutch immigration wouldn’t be so darn hard to do… 🙁

    Anyway, thanks for the good read and laugh~

    1. There’s a lot of competition for foreign men here so I suppose it’s understandable a g/f would be worried of losing you to another. I try to be understanding of that, but at the same time jealousy can be very annoying after a while. Especially if accusations begin, arguments, etc. It’s a tough issue at times to balance between our two cultures.

  11. I have a question not a comment. I’m desperate for real advice here.

    I met a philippino girl on a dating sex site in manilla. After 3 months we had fallen in love with each other. I funded her move back to her home in northern Samar province. I gave her $3,000 to build a small house and send her about $200 every month for food, electricity, water, Internet and phone. She has never asked for a dime and uses the money I send her wisely.

    We have been together 8 months now and chat video on skype every day. I know she spends every free minute with me so I am sure I’m the only man. I have proposed and she calls me husband. I want to fly over and see her and meet her parents.

    My problems are here at home. Everybody tells me that she is scamming me and worse yet is setting me up for kidnapping when I get there.

    Does this sound legit? Sounds so to me from your articles. Am I in real danger if I go there to see her?

    1. You met her on a dating sex site: red flag #1

      you send her money every month even though your entire relationship consists primarily of video chat on skype. Have you ever even met this girl in person? That’s red flag #2

      If you haven’t seen her in person yet then you basically sent $3,000 cash to someone who could be talking to MULTIPLE guys online and getting them to send her money too. A few kind lonely love – struck foreigners sending her $200 dollars a month for her “expenses” could make for a pretty sweet work from home gig in a country were the wages for unskilled labor are pretty low. That’s red flag #3

      The Philippines is a pretty conservative country. A province girl who is willing to work on a sex site to support herself is definitely willing to play a role and tell a kind hearted, hopelessly romantic guy whatever he wants to hear in exchange for $200 bucks a month from the comfort of her own home. Everything you think you know about this girl is what she told you. I’m not calling her a liar, I’m simply pointing out the fact that a woman in her position has a very high incentive to put up an elaborate facade in order to keep the western union train on the tracks.

      Ask yourself this: have you ever had even the slightest disagreement with her that didn’t end with her either apologizing outright or contacting you the next day to work it out? If the answer is “no” or we see eye to eye on everything” then that constitutes red flag #4

      Do you think your relationship would continue if you stopped sending her the monthly “skype bill” or “romance bull” or whatever you want to call it every month or if she thought that she would never get another payment from you? If not then that’s red flag #5

      To answer your question:
      Your probably safe. I doubt she is out to hurt you. You are simply a means to an end. She’s probably not setting you up to get kidnapped or anything like that (unless she has reason to think that you have wealthy relatives or something). Why screw up a perfectly good meal ticket?

      If you go there she’ll most likely treat you great and show you a good time so that you can go back home happy and ready to send more monthly payments.

      In places like the Philippines, Thailand, Dominican Republic etc I’ve always looked at committed relationships as the penalty for free sex. (often the most expensive sexing is the kind you don’t out – right pay for) I never understood why guys would make monthly payments just to keep a relationship going… But to each his own, I suppose.

      Basically, from what you’ve written it seems like she’s still doing the same thing she was doing when you met her but instead of selling sex online she is getting paid to play the “dream girl” role or selling romance online instead of sex. Same game, different angle.

    2. hi ron, my advice don’t go decent Filipina don’t go to any sex site. stop communicating with her u will find a decent Filipina one eventually…. just go to a more decent site ok….. good luck

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